Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Pittsburgh Steelers

Some people are fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here. 1. He's Todd Haley and you're not. I can't think of a better 1-2 asshole punch than Todd Haley working with Ben Roethlisberger. CBS should have an iso camera trained on Haley at all times that streams online, just so I can watch him mouth out curse words at my leisure. I can already see the sideline conversation between these two after every series: HALEY: You see this? (twirls ball on index finger) This is a ball and I'm so fucking badass I can spin it on my finger for five seconds plus. YOUR ONE JOB IS TO GET RID OF THE FUCKING THING. BIG BEN: HARF HARF BIG BEN JUST WANTS A PUSSY TO GRAB. HALEY: You've got a fucking attitude, young man. WHY DON'T YOU POLISH MY CAMARO AND THINK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO BE PART OF THIS TEAM? I want these two to get into a sideline brawl so badly, I can taste it. Despite wisely spending a couple of draft choices on offensive linemen, this team still blows at pass protection. And so it'll be neat to watch Haley call for seven-step drops 40 times a game specifically because he thinks it could help toughen up his QB. I'm also excited for Haley to bench Mike Wallace after he ends his holdout. NO GLORY BOYS ON HIS OFFENSE. 2. HEY WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO (CLAP CLAP). Go to any Steelers bar and you will hear that chant—that breathtakingly dumb chant—on a loop for four straight hours. Last year, I found myself stuck in a New York Steelers bar and it was pure anguish. Hell on Earth. Watching football with Steelers fans make me want to not like football anymore. The place REEKED. Just this massive swarm of fat, sweaty bodies and day-glo orange fingernails soaked in wing sauce. Every Steelers fan smells like a beer someone farted in. And all they did was say that stupid fucking chant over and over again regardless of the situation. First down? HERE WE GO STEELERS. Big Ben fumbles? HERE WE GO STEELERS. They're like big fat robots. They had NOTHING else to say to each other. Just this collective mass of dead brain cells. And they're EVERYWHERE. They're in every city, and God they'll never let you forget it. Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at [email protected]. And the worst part about Steelers fans is that they think you like them. The media has sucked on the Steelers' dick for so long that Pittsburgh fans have become convinced that they're REALER fans than you and I. They find themselves adorable. LOOK AT US WITH OUR TOWELS! WE'RE SO MUCH MORE FUN THAN RAVENS FANS! No, you are not. You're just as bad. In fact, you're worse. I can escape from Ravens fans. You assholes are all over the place, like a bacterium. I went to the beach this summer and Steelers fans constituted 90 percent of the visible white beach trash. Thousands of 300-pound mouthbreathers with Steelers shoulder tats and husky wives rocking Big Ben jerseys in 90-degree heat. And they aren't as jovial as they pretend to be. Most Steelers fans are supremely arrogant, mistaken in the belief that their town, their team, is far tougher than yours. DURRRR WE HIT HARD DURRRRR. They take to Twitter every chance they get to put down other teams, particularly the Ravens. The second Joe Flacco locks down a receiver, you can bet there will be 700,000 Steelers fans there to note it and go on for hours about what makes him such an inferior quarterback. Just this endless stream of constant, unprovoked, relentless arrogance. All because your team has six rings. THE PRESIDENT SAYS YOU DIDN'T BUILD THAT. 3. Old as shit. Big Ben's body is aging at twice the rate of a normal human being's. Hines Ward was traded to the Gotham City Rogues. James Harrison's got a bad knee. Rashard Mendenhall's ACL is gone. Troy Polamalu's enormous hair still can't protect him for getting his 60th concussion. Ryan Clark isn't young enough to aim for the knees anymore like he always used to. This team is a fucking museum. They'll coast to 10 wins this year just because the schedule is so ridiculously soft, but it's gonna be another one-and-out in the playoffs and after that the whole thing will collapse like the Gotham Stadium field turf and it'll be nothing but 8-8 records and desultory losses to the Browns for you for the next decade. THERE YOU GO STEELERS THERE YOU GO. 4. Tebow owns you. Remember, this is the team that let Tim Tebow throw for 316 yards on it in the playoffs. Tim Tebow can't throw for 316 yards against a flag football team. But against this assisted living outpost he was a GOD. I'm very excited for this team to surrender 700 yards to Matt Schaub in the divisional round. 5. Hear it from Steelers fans! Mike: Have you met our fan base? We're terrible people. We're smug idiots who honestly believe we're the league's best franchise. Why? "Because we're owned by the Rooneys, who know how to do it the right way! Count the rings!" It's terrible – I can't even watch Steelers games with my family. Finally, I have actual evidence of how terrible and stupid Steelers fans are. I was at a Pirates-Brewers game last season, and a girl was wearing a Green Bay Packers 2011 NFL Champs t-shirt. An idiot started heckling her. She rebutted his claims effectively by pointing out that the Packers just beat the Steelers in the Super Bowl. His final argument? "Well you guys only have 1 Super Bowl win anyway. Count the rings!" I hate Pittsburgh sometimes. Zak: Two words: Todd Haley Tom: Steelers fans are a bunch of relentless, obnoxious, no-good cocksuckers. I know this because I happen to be one. Everyone hates the Steelers because of the constant douchebaggery of their fans. This is not about being a rabid fan. Green Bay has rabid fans – and everyone loves Green Bay. This is about being one giant collective stinky bunghole of a group. And we brag, oh, how we brag – as much about ourselves as the team itself. STEELER NATION, we say…honestly believing that people the world over just love the Steelers to pieces. LIE. The reason there are so many Steeler fans annoying you in your town is they moved there from Pittsburgh thirty years ago and bred like vermin. Moved, mind you, because THERE ARE NO JOBS IN PITTSBURGH. There is no joy in being a Steeler fan, which is patently absurd. None of us actually enjoy the season. Any year that does not end with a Super Bowl victory is pure failure. Go 12-4, make the playoffs, and lose? BOO! You guys suck! Fire Mike Tomlin! The only thing remotely joy-bringing would be an undefeated season culminating with a 65-0 pasting of the Cowboys in the Super Bowl…if, and only if, James Harrison decapitated Tom Brady in the AFC Championship – knocks his head clean off. Bill: The average Steeler fan looks like they should be on a "Faces Of Meth" poster. John: Most people hate the Steelers and it has nothing to do with what the team does, it's because 75% of the fan base is made up of camo hatted truck drivin' Appalachian dumbfucks. These are somehow the only people you ever meet wearing Steeler jerseys (because they wear them year round) and will explain calmly and cooly that Ben Roethlisberger is obviously better than Tom Brady because the Patriots are cheaters. The same sect loves talking about how the organization does things "The Steeler Way" because this superficial bullshit has somehow become the rationale behind every decision the front office makes. Cedrick Wilson gets arrested for beating his girlfriend? You better cut him to show what a class organization does in response to such an offense. James Harrison does the same thing? Well shit, he's a Pro Bowler. Santonio Holmes has one too many weed infractions to be a part of this model franchise, but it's totally cool to draft Mike Adams who tested positive for marijuana at the god damn combine. That's the Steeler Way, exactly the same as everyone else. Dan Rooney must thank his lucky stars everyday for the Bengals ability to get arrested so the Steelers can somehow appear to be on a moral high ground. Scott: Die Shitsburgh! Ooh look how clever we spelled it just how the jackasses pronounce it too. Fuck off stillrz! Joe: I grew up in Southwestern Pennsylvania which is a hillier version of Central Alabama. A former very good Steeler tried to move into my hometown in 1990(!) and was not-so politely informed that our shitty little town didn't have any black people in it and they wanted it to stay that way. We're talking about a place where empty soda cans are way more likely than not to be filled with Skoal spittle. Also, Steeler fans are terrible terrible NFL fans—they love the STILLERZ, but I can't imagine any town has worse ratings for the 4 pm NFC FOX game because WHO CAREZ WHEN THE STILLERZ AREN'T PLAYING. And whenever they show all the TURRBLE TOULS waving at away games and Phil Simms or God help up Dan Dierdorf says that Steeler fans travel well, I want to jump through the set and strangle them—STEELER FANS DON'T TRAVEL, BECAUSE TRAVEL CARRIES THE RISK OF OPENING YOUR MIND!!! All those Steeler fans already live in those cities because good luck finding a decent fucking job anywhere near Pittsburgh, especially if you came through shitty Western PA schools. Paul: I once tailgated early on a Sunday in November with some dudes who drove from their hunting site to the parking lot. The night before they stayed up all night cleaning and gutting a deer they shot so we could all fresh venison. The one working the grill had the words "Love" and "Hate" tattooed on his knuckles. Needless to say, Steelers fans don't venture far from the sports pages. Chris: Reason #1: Any time TV pundits talk about the Steelers, they have to reference their commitment to "Smashmouth Football." And that's followed, of course, by a romantic explanation that Steelers players are just a bunch of hard-nosed, blue-collar guys who take their lunch pail to work every day and get dirt in their fingernails. Firstly, most blue collar guys I know in the real world are pretty lazy and take a 15 minute break every hour. If they worked really hard, they would probably get promoted to be a manager and work a white collar job. Secondly, they are millionaire athletes who play football, just like every other team in the NFL. Thirdly, they have Roethlisberger, Mike Wallace and Antonio Brown. No way do I want them playing Smashmouth Football when they are a much better passing team. Reason #2: Listening to announcers love to squeal about "Ben" hanging onto the ball for too long and OMG LOOGIT HOW HE TURNS SOMETHING INTO NOTHING!!! NO OTHER QUARTERBACK IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE CAN DO WHAT HE JUST DID!! It's not necessarily a good thing to have a fat quarterback who can absorb punishment and only knows what to do when a play basically turns into backyard football. I think Tom Brady does just fine by doing the opposite: you know, correctly reading the defense and making quick, accurate passes. Reason #3: William Gay. At least the Cardinals finally took him like they take all of our other scraps, but last year? Sweet Barbecue Moses. I'm pretty sure the entire Ravens playbook consisted of throwing to the left side of the field. Reason #4: You have to put up with everyone mocking the Terrible Towel. Look, I think it's a great tradition that makes our team a little unique. But it's an easy target that everyone wants to make fun of. I'll bet this is one of the reasons why you hate the Steelers, in fact. Reason #5: When Dick LeBeau finally retires (or dies), we will become the Bengals. Reason #6: You have to cheer for a rapist. I've accepted this…but still. Reason #7: They're so popular that it can be inconvenient to wait around all day for them to play on Sunday Night. #humblebrag John: Polamalu is going the way of Bob Sanders. Nick: Their fans STILL like to think that their team is a classy organization full of boy scouts even though James Harrison once beat the shit out of his baby-mamma, Roethlisberger was twice accused of rape, Hines Ward got a DUI last year and they drafted a Tackle (Mike Adams) who tested positive for marijuana AT THE COMBINE. The self-righteous fans need to know that their team is just as fucked-up as every other team (if not more). By the way, the 70's Steelers may have been worse what with Ernie Holmes shooting at a police helicopter on the PA turnpike and then re-joining the team with barely any repercussions. I'm a lifelong Steelers fan but nothing bothers me more about the fans than the holier-than-thou attitude. Kevin: Let's be honest: if you are from Pittsburgh there is only one reason to root for the Steelers: They are not the Pirates. Also, there is nothing to do in the area but be unemployed and/or drink, say jagov while butchering the English language. Oh, and the Amish. 1. Big Ben aka Greytard: The guy is ALWAYS hurt. The reason: Because he doesn't throw the fucking ball. Oh sure, he hits a receiver with some autistic savant pass that should never be completed, but more often than not he gets sacked and the "pundits" decry the offensive line when it Ben's fault. 2. Pass Defense: Dick LeBeau is apparently a fucking legend and yet year after year QB's pick apart the secondary. I swear the guy has to be senile, as he looks clueless trying to decipher his drunken/Alzheimer's scribbles on the play card; he is the Bobby Bowden of Coordinators. The LBs go around the QB like they're rounding the Cape of Good Hope as Aaron Rodgers completes 200 percent of his passes. They didn't even lay a finger on him during the SB. Hell, I would have completed a few passes. Last year, Tim Tebow looked like he was truly blessed by the good Allah himself as his sorry ass looked like a HoFer. Note to LeBeau: When you make Colt McCoy look like an All Pro, and actually made Carson Palmer look mobile then it is time to revamp the defense realize it is not the 70s anymore. Besides, all those trick blitzes and shit, I just think no one has the slightest fucking clue of what play has been called and instead run around like special needs toddlers. Finally, the majority of the "D" collect Social Security, retire for Christ's sake. 3. The Steelers Mystique: Such horseshit: The fans don't travel well, fucking announcers are stupid and just make shit up. They are unemployed, and had to move out of the area because there are no damn jobs there. People fled the area in droves it lost 100,000s of people in the 70s and 80s for a reason: IT SUCKS. That's why we all live in the past. Because that is all the city has, that and poverty and alcohol, which they drink at abandoned steel mills. Brad: The 2007 draft was mostly busts and the 2008 draft has more abortions than the hookers in Deadwood. Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me and give me ample evidence of why your team sucks. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next team up: THE BEARS. 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